How I wish I had written this

Posted: March 1, 2007 in Rant

And if it isn’t a real letter, it should be, ’cause indeed, that slogan – and the whole advertising campaign – is whacked. Had Always been my brand of choice I would’ve stopped using it.

Mr. James Thatcher, Brand Manager
Procter & Gamble

Dear Mr. Thatcher:

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in right, white shorts. By my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from “Aunt Flo”. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought “Grey’s Anatomy” was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period”. Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing “happiness” – is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out of your ass, man! If you just “have” to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”, or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit.

And that’s a promise I will keep… Always.

Best regards,

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Comments
  1. Ian Lidster says:

    That is the most inspired, brilliant, and truthful rant I’ve seen in years. While not having been of a gender that experiences such hormonal travails, believe me I have been on the receiving end of one who is not having a good day. Thanks for making my morning.IanPS And don’t hate me for being male. There is nothing I can do about it. Well, I guess there is, but I don’t wanna.

  2. choochoo says:

    lol – I wanna write that, too

  3. Jazz says:

    Ian – I don’t hate men… I might take my mood out on mine, but I don’t hate me. Besides, as I told my niece once, we get hormonal, and you guys get to haul the heavy stuff on moving day.Choochoo – I think we all do. Though I bet they don’t have such stupid slogan on “feninine hygiene” products in Norway.

  4. Jill says:

    I think I just peed my pants from laughing too hard….

  5. HAH! That’s awesome.

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