Penis Envy?

Posted: June 5, 2007 in Uncategorized

Once upon a time (sometime in Apri I thinkl), Ian said something in his blog about peeing standing up. You are responsible for inspiring this post Ian. It’s all your fault, just so you know.

Men and women differ in so many ways. In oh, so many ways. Shoes for instance. I don’t know many male shoe whores. And the lipstick thing… not so much with the men. Peircing body parts? Scratch that, they’re catching up, not so much with the ears but pretty much everywhere else. The thing I really envy about men is their ability to pee standing up.

You’re in the woods with a man, he needs to pee, he stands next to a tree, does his business, shakes his doodad and that’s all there is to it. Me? I have to step off the trail and find a bush suitably large to hide my crouching, blindingly white butt. I have to make sure I don’t pee all over myself and my clothes and then proceed to wipe with a few leaves of poison oak. ‘Cause regular leaves would just take all the fun out of the proceedings.

Or you’re snowshoeing in -20 degree weather, wearing a snowsuit comprised of overalls and a ski jacket. You’re a woman and gotta pee? Yep, you guessed it. Take off the coat, pull down the overalls, pee. Having been in this situation, believe me when I tell you that -20 degree weather has an annoying tendency to not only freeze that blindingly white butt (which, luckily is somewhat camouflaged by the whiteness of the snow), but also to cut any inspiration you might have had to pee. Freezing one’s nether parts will do that to a girl.

In such circumstances, I can assure you Freud was right. Penis envy does indeed exist. Oh, how it exists!

However, penis envy dies a miserable death when one lives with a man. In a house. With indoor plumbing. Because the penis, useful as it is for many many purposes, (peeing standing up being the least of them) has a huge deficiency; it lacks the ability to hit a large target. Thus, unleash a penis in an urban (or suburban) bathroom and mayhem ensues.

Now, I fully understand the toilet seat issue men whine about. It’s no harder for me to put it down after you’re done than it is for you to pull it up in order to pee. I’m quite open to putting the seat down myself. Though when I forget and sit in the toilet at 3:00 am, blindingly white butt awash in frigid toilet water I have a tendancy to scream. If you don’t want to be awakend by a blood curdling shriek at 3:00 am, take the necessary steps. Just sayin’.

What I have major problems understanding is how a male older than 10 can not have had enough practice peeing in a toilet to actually hit the target. Seriously boys, the hole is huge, but I have yet to meet a man who is able to pee without splatter on the bowl, on the floor, every where*… The mind boggles.

(The next sentence contains graphic descriptions and technical words which might offend some readers. Viewer discretion is advised)

Especially when one realises that most adult males are not virgins and are able to aim their penis at a tiny target (i.e. a vagina) the entrance of which is much smaller than a toilet bowl without ever missing. It zips right on in. Every. Time. Go figure.

have no idea how to finish this blog, no witty ending, so instead I am appealing to your sense of civic duty. Give me some input boys… what is the problem? Enquiring minds wanna know.

* This explains the lack of those little carpets around the base of toilet in our home. I’d rather the pee dry on the floor than macerate in a carpet…

  1. Voyager says:

    I recall at the home of a friend’s parents a little plaque over the toilet that said: “If you dribble when you piddle, please be neat and wipe the seat.”V.

  2. Dan says:

    Ouch! Guilty on … um … some counts. Sometimes it’s really difficult to hit the target. I can tell you why but it could be a bit explicit. Suffice it to say, it hardly ever comes out straight. And we’re most frustrated than anyone when it sort of splashes all over!There’s a reason urinals are MUCH larger than toilets. 🙂

  3. Ian Lidster says:

    Oh — and we can also write our names in the snow.As for not hitting the ‘target’, I know where Dan is coming from, and I shall try to be delicate. The target thing is at its worst in the middle of the night. This is because, as a man sleeps well (ahem) sometimes the appendage hasn’t been very asleep at all and is therefore a little less (ahem again) ‘aimable’. This tends to happen more often when the bed is being shared with the person who is going to be distressed because the aim hadn’t been true in the middle of the night.Since you suggested I was your inspiration, I felt it was only fair that I offered someting of an explanation for the misbehavior of my gender.Very funny blog, and I guess kind of true.Ian

  4. Big Brother says:

    Ah the advantages of male outdoor plumbing vs female indoor plumbing. But you forgot that other fun thing when you are in the woods… black flies. Quicker when you’re a guy ipso facto less bites on sensitive parts. As for splatter Ian said it all. hard to aim straight when.. your too *hard* to aim straight. ;o) And no I’ll not sit down to pee….

  5. Jazz says:

    Voyager – I want that plaque. LOLDan – The things are as big as a small boat!Ian – Why would you want to write your name in the snow? BB – Now that’s a whole blog in itself. What the hell is wrong with sitting down to pee? Seems to make perfect sense. Did you know that men who sit to pee have less bladder cancer because the bladder empties more completely if you’re sitting down? :-p

  6. Dorky Dad says:

    Hey, sometimes we get distracted and turn to see what’s going on … or sometimes there’s a bug near the toilet we need to hit. It’s a lot of work being a male urinator. And … in defense of my gender … I seem to recall hearing NUMEROUS complaints about the quality of women’s restrooms.

  7. geewits says:

    dorky dad, that’s because some women (let’s call them stupid bitches) pee while hovering their butts over the toilet because they think the seat might be dirty, which it now is because THEY HAVE PEED ALL OVER IT. It takes about 20 seconds to grab some strips of toilet paper to make a “seat cover” so you can SIT DOWN. Sorry, I don’t know why I get so riled up over here, I’m usually pretty docile. As far as guys go, whenever I meet someone that has one or more boys, as in children, my first thought is always, “That bathroom must be nasty.”

  8. Hageltoast says:

    ok so men should be taught how to clean a toilet properly from an early age, washing crusted pee off the bowl and floor might make them a tad more willing to sit down if they are feeling a little uncertain of their aim, but as it is they seem to think wiping the seat and the rim is cleaning the wretched thing.Second, Jazz, google she-pee trust me on this.Third – I do quite enjoy the very early morning camping pee behind a wall, its kind of liberating.

  9. Jazz says:

    DD – Hitting a bug. Oh yeah, that’d be cool! And yeah, women’s public restrooms are nasty, evil, filthy places. You gotta wonder how women whose own place is polished to a shine can be such pigs in public. In my defense, I was talking about home “facilities”.Geewits – Are fithy public toilets a pet peeve perhaps? We seem to have hit a nerve. LOLToastie – that’s because it IS a wretched thing.

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