Random Correspondence

Posted: July 18, 2007 in Uncategorized

Dear lady on the bus,

We are in 21st century Montreal. All houses (especially in our part of town) have running water. Soap can be bought cheaply and pretty much everywhere. Deodorant is also a staple.

Two words: Use. Them.

Give the rest of us a break. That BO was not only pervasive, I’m sure it is quickly mutating into a whole new life form, one that could well soon decide to take over the universe. It’s a scary thought.

Cleanly,

Jazz

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Dear other lady on the bus,

Thanks for the look and the half smile. At least I know I’m not alone in my misery.

Relievedly,

Jazz

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Dear man on the park bench,

Let me explain something to you…

Those benches are not made to fit only one person. When you insist on sitting in the middle of the bench you totally violate the unwritten rules of personal space. If you’re in the middle of the bench I can’t sit on the same bench to eat my lunch.

From now on, please choose one end or the other so that we might all have a relatively comfortable lunch hour.

Diplomatically,

Jazz

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Dear whoever you are at the cottage,

There really is no call for running a chainsaw at 8:00 am on a Saturday morning.

No valid reason exists, short of the fact that a tree is likely to fall onto your house in the next 15 minutes. Once, perhaps, but not every damn weekend, even in the rain.

Unlike you, I have a life. And this life dictates that I should be allowed to sleep in until at least 9:00 on a Saturday morning.

‘Cause dude, I can always get out my own chainsaw, and it won’t be to cut down trees. Have you ever seen the Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies?

Think about it.

Homicidally,

Jazz

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Dear Company Client,

When I answer the phone and say someone is not there, it is because he or she is not there. Or at any rate, not there for you.

No amount of acting like an asshole will get you anywhere closer to them than their voicemail.

Deal with it. I have been known to bite – both literally and metaphorically.

Plus, I know bigger words than you do, and unlike you, I know their meaning.

Irritatedly,

Jazz

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Comments
  1. Rhea says:

    One day we will all have tiny electronic billboards across our foreheads that will beam our private thoughts to the world. This would come in handy, I think, for situations like the ones you’ve described.

  2. Voyager says:

    Your bus lady was on my skytrain car this morning. If I see her again I’ll pass on your letter.V.

  3. What an excellent approach. I truly do feel your pain. Anyone on a riding lawn mower as early as 7 o’clock on a Saturday morning in my neighborhood is begging for one of your letters.

  4. ticknart says:

    Dear Person At The Counter,I know you want help. And I know you’re frustrated. But you really should believe me when I say I have no idea what you should do except fill out the form and give a call tomorrow because the jackass you need to see is gone for the afternoon and he probably wouldn’t have wanted to see you any way.When I told you I only move papers to the correct files and then move files to the correct people. I’m not paid to know what the papers are for or how to read all the documents in the files. I just get them do the right place.Raising your voice at me or crying will not suddenly supply me with the information you need. Don’t do it.Camly,ticknart

  5. ticknart says:

    Oops, I meant “calmly.”

  6. Ian Lidster says:

    I love your rants, my dear. They’re priceless. Was the lady on the bus hanging onto the strap with her arm raised right above you?As for chainsaws in the early hours — isn’t that a justifiable homicide instance? I think you should maybe check that out.Ian

  7. Dorky Dad says:

    So … you DON’T think it’s a good idea to run the chain saw early in the morning then? Hmmm … I guess I’ll have to pick another time to do my … uh … “work.”

  8. geewits says:

    I think a chainsaw would be a bit much, but I love when the neighbors mow early. If I wake up I think “Ha ha! they’re out mowing and I am cozy in my bed.” and then I go back to sleep. The B.O. thing? That’s just gross. My daughter went through a thing about “being natural” which just meant being stinky. I’m so glad that phase is over with. I think Matthew McConaughey started that whole no deodorant thing.

  9. CS says:

    I have several of these letters going in my head most of the time!

  10. Jazz says:

    Rhea – I hope not, i’d probably be arrested.Voyager – Please do.PAP – Thanks for stopping by. And let me know who I “send” a letter to.Tick – Ah, the life of a civil servant.Ian – Of course she was hanging on a strap just above me. The cesspool reek was wafting not so gently down.DD – it’s a good idea if you don’t mind my ripping your arm off and beating you with the bloody end.Geewits – Matthew McConaughey can bite me (where does that expreession come from anyway? It seems sorta stupid, after all I’m the one ending up in pain)CS – don’t we all.

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