A last little post before Christmas…

Posted: December 20, 2007 in Uncategorized

…ooops. The Holidays isn’t it? Cause it’s all wrong and shit to say Christmas, because someone who doesn’t actually celebrate Christmas might be insulted that we mention it. Which is a load of crap. I’m sure it’s not the buddhists and hindus and muslims who are find Christmas insulting (other than as the orgy of consumerism it has become and which I find pretty damn distastful myself), it’s the do gooder idjits who, in the spirit of not insulting anyone about anything evah are willing to wipe out all cultural differences and render the planet a horrible and boring place… But, this wasn’t to be a rant. Besides, I’m not big on Christmas anyway so what the hell is my problem.

Aw what the hell, let’s rant a little. After all this is probably my last post of the year seeing as I’ll be on vacation until the new year… OMG, can we call it the new year? It’s not the new year for the Chinese! Nor will it be 2008 for those of the jewish or islamic faiths. I won’t be back until the day after the day before…. or something.

So. How’s about a bit of correspondence?

=====================================================

Dear Lotto Quebec,

You have definitely risen to new heights in stupidty this time. Putting out a press release or something along those lines telling people not to give children lottery tickets for Christmas because it might make turn them into gamblers because of their impressionable young minds.

Well Duh!

Why would you give a kid a lottery ticket anyway? Children are simple beings. Their greedy little eyes do not light up at the sight of a lottery ticket. They’ll be thrilled with nothing less than a Wii (whatever the hell that is – though apparently people like Wiis, but I’m a dinosaur so what do I know).

Actually I guess I’m not so much annoyed at you guys as at this whole societal thing we have going on now, where everyone is telling people how to raise their children.

“Don’t give children lottery tickets.”
“Even though it’s the holidays put them to bed early, they still need to sleep.”
“Don’t let them drink enough that they won’t be able to drive you home, especially if they’re almost too short to reach the pedals.” (ok, I made up that last one, but the two first were for real)

For good or ill, parents do still exist. Parenting is their job. Not yours. Shut up.

Mindboggledly,

Jazz

=====================================================

Dear Quebec Government,

Cigarettes. The evil evil cigarettes. According to the new law, cigarettes will have to be hidden under the counter in convenience stores and wherever else they are sold. People will not be allowed to point out the ciggies they want, they’ll have to ask for them by name. And when the counter guy/girl/drone opens said drawer, the contents will have to be hidden from the consumer.

Now tell me, which brainiac civil servant had this bright idea? Seriously, I want to know which idiot is behind this.

I’m not a smoker but c’mon now, how stupid is that? Do you really think people will stop smoking if they can’t see the cigarettes? If you do, you’re stupider than even I, from the lofty heights of my utter cyncism, thought.

But what do I know. I’m just the idiot who pays you (speaking of stupidity).

Idiotically,

Jazz

=====================================================

Dear People who decorate their yards,

Those blow up lighted snowmen and Santas and other assorted nitwittitudes? So lame. As ornaments go, they were stupid at Halloween, they are still stupid now.

I shouldn’t have to be subjected to that. Really. I’m thinking I might have to wander around with a knife.

Undecoratedly and grinchily,

Jazz

=====================================================

Dear Vegetarians,

Veggie smoked meat. SMOKED! MEAT! Ferchrissake!!!!

I need you to help me out here. If you are a vegetarian, it seems to me that you would want to steer (stupid pun intended) clear of meat products. No?

Then why in the name of every bit of food that has ever had parents are you (or at any rate enough of you to sustain a whole industry) pretending to eat meat? Why are you looking for food that tastes like meat? Veggie sausage, Tofurkey, etc*

Could it be because secretly, somewhere deep inside you actually miss the evil old carnivorousness (I know it’s not a word but it should be) the rest of us know and love?

Get over yourselves. I’ll buy you a steak.

Carnivorously,

Jazz

Text reads: And tell your friends it isn’t mad cow disease anymore. It’s Beyond-Pissed-Off-Make-A-Fucking-Salad-And-Leave-Us-The-Fuck-Alone Disease! Got it?

=====================================================

Dear Rush Limbaugh

You are an idiot. You have raised idiocy to a whole art form. You are the idiot to end all idiots. You make the most stupid yahoo in the world look like Einstein. You make Cletus the Slack- Jawed Yokel** look good.

Thank you for making me feel perhaps more intelligent than I actually am.

Gratefully,

Jazz

* Though I will grant you veggie burgers. I love me a good veggie burger. My life is a search for the perfect veggie burger – but they don’t try to taste like meat so that’s ok.

** Thank you Matt Groening.

HAPPY “WHATEVER IT IS YOU CELEBRATE” (BECAUSE WE DON’T WANT TO OFFEND) EVERYONE!
Advertisements
Comments
  1. furiousBall says:

    You know what I like the best about meat?The taste.

  2. Em says:

    Happy whatever it is you celebrate to you, as well. LOLAnd great letter to Rush. What a fool he is.

  3. Awww and a Merry Christmas to you too my friend 😉 see you in the new year…

  4. Ian Lidster says:

    Happy Whatever it is to you and Mr. Jazz, too. Will miss you while you’re away, and your rants, especially on vegetarians and hidden smokes were superb. Enjoy, enjoy, my dear. I like you lots, so look forward to your return.

  5. ticknart says:

    Thank you for that last line because those of us who celebrate the Day of the Sneeze (All thanks to the Great Green Arkleseizure!) at this time of year do not like to be reminded of your pagan holiday.

  6. Tai says:

    Have a wonderful (fillintheblank), Jazz!Also undecoratedly and grinchily,Tai

  7. geewits says:

    Oh Jazz, do not go away again! Okay that is SO selfish! Enjoy your vacation.Ticknart, I just paid a very loud (and wet) homage to your holiday!And MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone!

  8. Josie says:

    It used to be that the three best things in life were a drink before and a cigarette after. They’ve done away with drink and cigarettes, and soon they’ll do away with the bit in between.Everything is politically incorrect, but what the heck,Merry Christmas!

  9. CS says:

    Sounds like somebody needs some chocolate chip cookies, a BIG glass of mulled wine, and a nap.I’ll take a stab at a couple of these. I think the problem is not for you to wish people a Merry Christmas. The problem is when public entities assume that they are living in an exclusively Christian world and act accordingly. Like being asked to swear on the Bible in court. It’s not the Bible that is offensive (although much of it I happen to find appalling), but the assumption that everyone is comfortable swearing to God or considers the Bible their holy book. So, offer whatever religious wishes you want to, as an individual not representing the public view. Personally, I like the one my son told me about: Happy ChristmaHannaKwanzakah.As for the vegetarian issue, do you object to sugar-free candy for diabetics? Alcohol-free beer for the non-drinkers? I don’t miss eating dead cows, but I happen to like many of the soy products that are modeled after meat. If I want a sandwich other than PB&J with a round, flat food made to fit the buns that are available to me, that does not mean I am secretly wishing it contained blood. Nor am I eating veggie burgers because I am fearful of bovine spongiform encephalopathy (if you don’t like the more colorful term for it). It was an ethical decision, which I am am happy to leave to each person to decide for themselves. I also, of course, eat any many foods which bear no resemblance to meat. Soy sausage and Boca burgers are just some of my choices.Finally, I have a theory about the cigarettes, but it is purely a guess. There is research which strongly suggests that the sight of guns are an aggression cue, and in their presence people are more violent. In addition, the addiction research shows that addicts have “craving cues” which make them more likely to use their drug of choice. The neon lights of a bar or the sound of a poptop being opened, are examples of craving cues. Maybe they extended this idea to cigaretes, and want to reduce their influence on people in the hopes of reducing tobacco use? For my money, though, what I’d really rather see is the porn put completely out of view. Like in the dumpster, for instance.Okay, now go enjoy your vacation!

  10. Rachel says:

    LOL. you and I are totally on the same wavelength today: The pre-Christmas rant, I LOVE it!And again, I find myself agreeing with everything you say. I’m starting to feel a little, um, unoriginal, now. *wink*

  11. Big Brother says:

    Merry Whatever lil sister. I agree with you about the veggies, give me a nice thick, juicy steak any day. It has to be cooked blue, which is rarer than rare. In fact it should say moo when you poke it with a fork. ;op

  12. Voyager says:

    Merry everything to you Jazz. I’ll quietly enjoy my vegetarian Christmas dinner, none of which will emulate meat (why bother indeed?) while happily watching the rest of my family devour the turkey and gravy (hey, each to her own!)V.

  13. That girl says:

    jazz – in your attempt not to offend anyone, i think you may have ruffled the feathers of “CS”…i just read her lengthy reply to the vegetarian issue.Nicely done. Always love to read your rants.See you after the new year and have a lovely time in the next week with you and your loved ones!

  14. CS says:

    (Just so you know, you didn’t ruffle my feathers or even offend me. I’m just presenting another way of looking at the issue. I assumed that you are okay with that.)

  15. Dave says:

    Jazz… What I would give to see you slashing those Santa snow globes in my neighbourhood with a 8 inch bowie knife! LOLGreat letters… righ to the point!Have a great Christmas!

  16. Jocelyn says:

    I was just thinking how perfectly CS threw her two cents in without in any way undermining your right and ability to make your own, Jazz. I’m glad she checked back to make sure we all got it. I want her to be my mom, I think.You, though? I want you to be my bar buddy, so I can laugh and laught at your rages.Can I make it to the new year w/o you?

  17. Those blow up decorations make me yearn to be a ten year old boy with a BB gun. Yeah, it brings out the evil in me.I hope you’re having a great vacation and having some fun. 🙂

  18. That girl says:

    Hey, it’s the 1st today, I was thinking of you and wanted to wish you a Happy New Year’s.

  19. Jazz says:

    Furiousball – Yep, that about covers it.Em – Rush is one of my favourites. And what sort of a name is that?CS – Chocolate cookies and mulled wine. To bad the hols are over…Rachel – Unless i’m the unoriginal one.BB – Actually I could go without steak forevermore. Couldn’t live without chicken and fish though.Voyager – Indeed. I have nothing against vegetarians. I have vegetarian friends and make sure dinner is veg when they come over. I actually like vegetarian, but I still need my meat sometimes.That Girl – Ruffled CSs feathers? Knowing her, I very much doubt that.CS – Of course, like I said, I would’ve been surprised had you been offended. You can even invite me to a vegetarian dinner if you want… ;-)Dave – Would a chef’s knife do?Joce – I want her for a mom too. And I’d be very curious to see her bar rants…Pop – Your snowman awaits.TG – Best wishes for the new year to you too.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s