Correspondence from the surreal side

Posted: June 1, 2009 in Uncategorized

Dear woman on the metro.

No no no no. NO.

One does not wear a strapless turquoise summer dress with a fuschia bra.

On especially does not wear a strapless turquoise summer dress with a fuschia bra that has straps. A bra that is mostly OUTSIDE the dress.

That is just wrong on so many levels that I can’t even begin to explain.

Plus it’s only about 6 degrees above freezing.

Sartorially,

Jazz

***********************************

Dear colleague from that other office.

I was volunteered to take care of the mailing lists for all the offices. I would’ve passed on that, but there you go. So, a while ago you sent me your list. Your stupid fucking mailing list. That was set up with one field for “Mr. John Doe”. Who the HELL puts the salutation, first name and last name in the same field in a database? Oh yeah, you.

And who, instead of adding a second address field, puts part of the address in the name field if there isn’t enough space in the address field? Oh yeah, you.

And who, rather than putting a field for, say, people’s titles, puts it after the MR.! JOHN! DOE! in the damn name field? Oh yeah, YOU!

Do you have any freaking idea how much annoyance goes into fixing this shit?

And now, you tell me, “I did an overhaul of the list and am sending it back to you”. And did you work in the version I sent you? The one I had put into excel to you could import it into your database software easily? The one I spent FUCKING hours on to fix (sorry ’bout the grammar issues here, but I’m pissed off)????

No, you used the old stupid thing and I’ve been working on it all day to fix it.

AGAIN.

And you still have at least 15 names that are in the thing twice. Do you even CHECK the damn thing?

I will not do this again. You do it my way or I’ll rip your dam head off. Are we clear?

Aggressively,

Jazz

************************************

Dear Asshat,

I imagine by 5:30 you were having the time of your life imagining the havoc you wreaked with your stupid ass stunt of calling in a bomb threat in the subway at 5:10 on a Thursday evening.

At Berri metro station no less, the metro line hub. You paralyzed three metro lines.

THREE YOU FUCKING MORON!

As well as vehicular traffic on the outside, as they had to set up a security perimeter.

You managed to paralyze downtown Montreal on a Thursday evening, complicating the life of commuters, transit workers, the cops. For what? A suitcase full of rocks or something of that nature.

Have you any idea how long it took me to get my ass home? I was having dinner with friends and had to take three buses that were bursting at the seams to get there!

And I was a lucky one – it only took me two and a half hours rather than the usual 50 minutes. I don’t live far from downtown or on the south shore. Traffic was hell until late evening it seems. The subway started up again at 9:00 pm. I suppose you’re proud of yourself you lowlife little prick. Vermin like you… no, I could rant for hours about the nastiness that you are, but I won’t.

Except to say, I hope they find you, you prick. And then give you to us commuters. We’ll see that you do not live long enough to ever do something like this again.

Hatefully,

Jazz

***************************

Dear Bus Driver,

No I am not going to swipe my transit card. Because I’m so damn late, my connection time is over and I am not going to use another ticket for the last leg of my journey.

As I told you, I am over an hour late for my dinner with my friends, I didn’t manage to get home and change from my work clothes, I’m tired, I’m annoyed, I’ve spent the day working on a dumbass mailing list and I’m fucking hormonal.

Believe me, you do not want to mess with me. I don’t care if you have 50 lbs on my, I will not hesitate to take you down child, rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody end. And take immense pleasure in it.

Do. Not. Doubt. Me.

At this point in my day, I can crush you like an ant.

Funny how you took one look at me and let me by. Age you’re at, I probably reminded you of your mom.

This is good.

Lesson learned: Do NOT piss off an already highly annoyed menopausal woman. You cannot win.

Teachingly,

Jazz

***************************

Dear lady with the beemer,

The south side of the street was closed. Both lanes were diverted in to the two lane north side of the street. Despite the huge “NO STOPPING” signs, you still stopped in front of the dry cleaners to drop off your stuff – or maybe to pick it up, whatever.

Your stopping completely blocked traffic, but did you give a damn? No, cause we all know it’s all about you. Thankfully the honking and swearing penetrated your thick skull and you eventually realized, once you were out of the car and on the sidewalk, that this might not be the most brilliant thing you’d ever done. Maybe the chemicals from the hair dye have dried out your brain? You are a moron.

Scathingly,

Jazz,

***************************

Dear Mother Nature,

It’s June 1. I have yet to pull out my summer tops and dresses, sandals and flirty skirts.

You are a bitch and I hate you.

Resentfully,

Jazz

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Comments
  1. Bandobras says:

    Well i can agree with all you say except for the woman with the bra.Think about all us old perverts who get a thrill seeing women’s underwear in public. That wasn’t allowed when I was young and I like it like this.

  2. furiousBall says:

    I haven’t pulled out my summer dresses either, it’s cool

  3. Gaelyn says:

    Rough day, huh? I advise some black cohosh to get you off the mood swings. Life shouldn’t be all bad.

  4. Hagelrat says:

    Dear Jazz, we love you. Have a hug. (((((Jazz)))))Toastie.

  5. geewits says:

    You tell ’em, babe! I’m glad you made it to the dinner. I’ll try to send some of this heat up your way. It was in the 90’s yesterday. You can have it.

  6. pierre l says:

    While I agree with the first poster that men didn’t get to see lots of bit of bra (or breasts) when I was young and still in Montreal, I still think that some effort in colour-matching is needed. I think we had 26 degrees C today in the South of England and that’s pretty well as hot as it gets.Sorry about your bad day though.

  7. mrwriteon says:

    A classic Jazz Rant. You have made my Monday so happy.And I wish you had gotten a photo of the babe in the turquoise dress and fuschia bra. I found myself getting aroused.As for the subway bomb hoaxer, that should be worth a life sentence if they catch the bastard.

  8. Big Brother says:

    Having a bad day are we?

  9. Robin says:

    Huh. You sound like me.I’ll be back.

  10. Warty Mammal says:

    Awesome. Well, other than the fact you were having a crappy day.Your life is WAY more interesting than mine. I’ll be back. Bwahahahahaha…

  11. Jazz says:

    Bandobras – We’re not talking hot chick here. It was way more scary than arousing. Seriously. Welcome, by the way, I see you all the time at XUP’s and I love your “insightful” comments..Furball – well that makes me feel better.Gaelyn – Oh life is nowhere near all bad. I just like to keep my mini rants together.Hagelrat – Thanks luvPierre – 26 degrees. I might just have to hate you.Ian – I can’t get used to the Mrwriteon… Believe me, she wasn’t a babe by any stretch of the imagination. Seriously. She was scary.BB – Much better now that I have it out of my system. On days like last Thursday with the bomb crap I almost wish I lived and worked out in your twilight zone. But not quite.Robin – I just might be you… Thanks for stopping byWM – I wish my life were interesting… Welcome to my messy life.

  12. Suldog says:

    You need a well-deserved drink of some sort, I think. If you don’t indulge in that sort of thing, then I suggest a massage from someone you love.

  13. Jazz says:

    Sully – I indulge in both. 😉

  14. rachel says:

    I wish I had something to be angry about. LOL goodness, you’re a marvelous ranter. As an aside, though, I have to say, I like the colors turquoise and fuschia together, but agree that bras shouldn’t be exposed in that manner. There’s a proper way to expose pretty lingere, and its not THAT way.

  15. Jazz says:

    Rachel – I have no problem with turquoise and fuchsia. It’s the look that was scary. We’re talking 250 lbs and a 44 FFF bra (if that even exists…)

  16. xup says:

    If you need some company bitch-slapping that old crack-ho Ma Nature, I’m totally down with you, woman. If I wanted to wear long pants and sweatshirts and a raincoat in June, I would have stayed in Halifax. I’m going back to southern Ontario where it’s nice and hot during the summer.

  17. raino says:

    'you are a bitch and i hate you'….good one jazz, now she'll never smarten up!!! lol

  18. paula says:

    All I can say is, "Whew! Glad you got all that off your chest!" (and that I don't live or work in down town Montreal.)

  19. Jocelyn says:

    My sister is visiting from Denver and is wearing three layers and had to borrow my fleece pants. We like to pretend she's a wimp, but HELL if there isn't still frost at night. I'm with you.Oh, and I'll never, ever ask you for help with an Excel spreadsheet. Plus, I want you to star in a female action movie, where you kill a bus driver and take charge of the vehicle.

  20. Jazz says:

    XUP – We'll take her down together.Raino – You think she'll keep wreaking her vengeance on me?Paula – Thankfully that's not an everyday occurrence!Joce – I'd be content with simply killing the bus driver. You can take control of the bus if you like.

  21. Pouty Lips says:

    You make me laugh.

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