After the Apocalypse

Posted: September 26, 2010 in Uncategorized

I know all manner of things. In the office, I’m the saviour of  people with computer problems, from “Why the hell is that paragraph showing up in my table of contents” to  “How do I double underline”.

As well as, “The server is down what do I do?”

When I am seen as the office expert on hardware problems, things become very scary indeed.

I know the best Indian restaurant in Montreal. I know how to kill a squirrel who gets trapped in the house.  I can make a mean onion and potato dish pan fried in duck grease seasoned with “piment d’espelette” .

I can’t help but wonder though, what would happen in the case of Armageddon. How the hell would I survive in the woods? Or the ruins of the city for that matter. What the hell is edible out there? What plants could I use to make a salad? With all my savvy I’d end up eating poison ivy. Not a good thing I’d surmise. I don’t even know what poison ivy looks like.

Come to think of it, salad would probably be the last thing on my mind in such a case. Besides, what’s salad without balsamic vinegar? In case of Armageddon and survival thereof, I don’t think I’d be living off the land with a backpack full of balsamic vinegar to season my poison ivy salad.

I guess there’s something to be said for having survivalist friends, because personally, I’m woefully ill equipped to survive in a post apocalyptic world, as, I suppose, are most people today.  Crocodile Dundee I ain’t. And there’s no counting on my friends’ because their idea of survivalism pretty much tops off at where to find the best wine bar and which boutique carries that Spanish olive oil that everyone is talking about.

Pathetic really.

Wow. I just did an image search of “survivalism” and a number of hot scruffy young men carrying guns popped up!  This puts a whole new spin on things, obviously. Hot scruff men like him:

Who knew Hugh Jackman is a “hot survivalist”? He strikes me as more the best wine bar sort, but stranger things have happened. Besides, I’m sure Lime has no objection. Gratuitous Hugh Jackman pics are never a bad thing.

Of course when I googled “hot survivalist”, this popped up too:

Obviously there’s something for everyone in the survivalist world – although those eyes? They’re really sort of frightening.

Ya know, there might once have been a point to this post , but somewhere around Hugh it got lost, go figure.

Perhaps the point is that in a post apocalyptic world sticking with Hugh Jackman might not be a bad idea. At worse he’s something nice to look at, at best, he’ll know where that great new wine bar is.

  1. Mr. Jazz says:


  2. Jocelyn says:

    This is a gorgeous brain meander, and you make me laugh (always!). For types like us, survivial in an apocolypse would probably come down to one of us dying first, and the other eating the deceased’s corpse.

    I’m pretty sure I have some tender bits, so hack away.

  3. e says:

    Well, I once had some tender bits myself, but in a previous life they were eaten by lions…

  4. lime says:

    the only objection i have is the word gratuitous being applied to any picture of hugh jackman. any picture of him is rich with deep meaning. and if ya need some help gaining survivalist skills come one down.

  5. I don’t know why people fret about surviving an apocalypse. In the event of one, I’d just as soon die.

  6. Big Brother says:

    Apocalypse is highly overrated, unless you are into Mad Max movies.

  7. geewits says:

    I think you’d do rather well as long as your glasses don’t break like Burgess Meredith’s character in that famous “Twilight Zone” episode.

  8. Jazz says:

    Mr. Jazz – right where you left it, Dear.

    Jocelyn – Nice of you to offer.

    e – I guess I’ll have to stick with Jocelyn then, I’m all about tender bits.

    Lime – I thought you’d say that. As the apocalypse approaches, I just might take you up on that. What is it, December 12, 2012? Sort of like the apocalypse of June 6, 2006. That one fizzled quite quickly.

    SAW – Me too, but it would make for a very boring post. After the apocalypse… I wanna be dead.

    BB – Hmmm Gibson and Tina Turner in their younger days. She was in that wasn’t she?

    Geewits – OMG, yeah, in the library with broken glasses! I still shudder thinking of that

  9. mrwriteon says:

    I think you and I would be on pretty much a par in survivalist realm. Pshaw on Hugh Jackman, I’ll take the blonde with the disconcerting eyes and nipple bumps in lieu.

  10. alison says:

    Seeing as Hugh Jackman’s post-Apocalypse dance card seems to be full, I guess I’ll just hope that Daniel Craig is a) available and b) can identify poison ivy and/or has his own balsamic vinegar.

  11. Suldog says:

    She has double high beams. Perhaps they’re a prerequisite for getting by in the post-apocalyptic world and she’s just highly ready?

  12. choochoo says:

    squirrels get trapped in your house often?

  13. Jazz says:

    Ian – of course you would!

    Alison – Hmmm I’m sure Daniel Craig knows all about balsamic vinegar and poison ivy

    Sully – Somehow I don’t figure she’d be that good at surviving – despite the double highs.

    choochoo – Once a year or so. I don’t make a habit of murdering squirrels.

  14. Hi Jazz
    Trying to get your roast ready for next Sunday but will email you nearer the time.

    Also look forward to returning to read this post – busy right now on an award ceremony! LOL

    Meanwhile I have a little something for you at my place and would be honoured to make you a cuppa when you collect. Cheers ~ Eddie

  15. Warty Mammal says:

    I admire survivalists who think about what to eat.

    The survivalists I know all concentrate on collecting guns, so they can defend their filthy, pathetic little dumps of apartments and towering stacks of comic books when the zombies arrive. They like to take photos of themselves with their gun collections, and go out on weekends and blow things up. They actively fantasize about getting to use their guns to kill someone. They relish the idea of open carry.

    Somehow, it has never dawned on any of these folks I know that learning how to grow and recognize food and getting to know their neighbors would be far more useful.

  16. amanda says:

    love what you said about poison ivy salad. surprised that isn’t an item on one of those locavore restaurant menus!

    yeah….hugh’s five o’clock shadow is the perfect look for an apocalyptic scenario-

  17. Shrinky says:

    So long as I have my hairdresser in tow, I’m pretty sure I can survive anything. Um, except the survivalists, they be scary..

  18. Jazz says:

    Eddie – thanks for the award and can’t wait to see the roast

    Warty – OK, I prefer Hugh as a survivalist than your survivalists. They’re boring.

    Amanda – I think a restaurant would probably go belly up pretty quick if that was on their menu. Of course you never know with locavores. Is Hugh a locavore I wonder?

    Shrinky – Cause you gotta look good for the apocalypse!

  19. Jeaux says:

    If there’s no wine bar after the apocalypse, one will have to be invented.

    Jackman’s Wolverine claws will come in handy at the wild boar hunt. He can stay. So can the girl. I’m not sure why, but we’ll figure something out…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s