Scientific experiments

Posted: November 12, 2010 in Uncategorized

When I was a kid I went through careers quicker than I can get through a pint of Cherry Garcia ice cream. Truly the “what I want to be when I grow up” thing changed weekly, if not daily.

During the period I wanted to be a teacher I would set up a “classroom” every day and pretend to teach “pretend” students. Practice makes perfect they say.

I wanted to be a nun (!!! – yeah I know) so I set up an “alter” in my bedroom with flowers, a crucifix and a glow in the dark statue of the virgin mary. Sort of creepy now that I think about it.

I wanted to be a model so I saved an old compact of my mom’s and cut out different pieces of paper to fit, which I then coloured as “eyeshadow”, “blusher” and changed out according to where the “makeup” was being applied.

I wanted to be a doctor and my dolls all ended up looking like mummies. Thankfully I never thought of being a surgeon.

Had I known what a serial killer was, who knows, I might’ve disemboweled them all.

At one point, I decided I wanted to be a scientist. Yeah, me. It’s almost (not quite but almost) as hilarious as me being a nun. The only thing I remember from Physics class is that if two trains meet, they will meet at the combined speeds of each train. How does this translate into useful in real life? No idea, other, perhaps than when you’re on the highway and you see a semi coming straight at you in the wrong lane and just before it hits you face on you think: “Hey, we must be meeting at 120 miles an hour!”, though I suppose that would not be your first thought. More along the lines of AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH, I’d imagine.

I digress.

So yes, for a while there, I wanted to be a scientist. To that end, I’d set up my own little laboratory in the basement. I did pretty harmless experiments, like leaving out a pan of water to see if it would change in any way. Yeah, water, it eventually stagnates and grows green slime (insert eye roll here). I also added stuff to the water (pieces of cookie, small pieces of ground meat – the results after a couple of weeks were not pretty). To my mom’s lasting credit she never just threw those disgusting things out, she was a trooper, she was.  I added baking soda to whatever it is that makes it fizz, I mixed all sorts of ingredients (only the ones mom approved of, of course), took copious notes and was all thrilled at my amazing scientific brain. All things considered, I suppose it could have been the starting point of a scientific career; after all, some people get masters degrees in the study of poop bugs (ChooChoo, I’m looking at you).

Of course the fact that to this day I sometimes count on my fingers would probably have precluded me from any sort of brilliant scientific career.

But, way back in September – Labour Day weekend actually – I once again shrugged on the mantel of scientific questing. We were at a family reunion held in a restaurant and each plate had a little cellophane wrapped breadroll.

POM, for the record, is Quebec’s answer to Wonderbread.

I looked at it, poked it (it was nice and soft oh so fresh). I looked for an ingredient list and found none (I’m the type who loves those 9 grain breads that weigh in at about 5 lbs.) I turned it around in my hand and finally, decided to bring it home with me all the way from Quebec City.

I was going to use it in an experiment! Yes!!! I was a SCIENTIST!!!!

So, the soft and fresh bread roll has been sitting in my kitchen since then. I’m waiting for it to harden and/or turn green.

It’s been two months now, it hasn’t changed in the least.

No hardening.

No mold.


Still as fresh as the day it rose from the morass of flour and water and yeast. Though actually I doubt any traditional flour, water or yeast were involved. The bread I usually eat – even wrapped in cellophane – would be inedible within a couple of weeks since it’s made of, you know, real ingredients.

This “bread” is sort of scary actually, I’m not sure whether one day it’ll rise up and attack us as we sleep.

But in the interest of science I will fearlessly continue on my quest to see this bread moldy and dry.

If you hear I died strangled in my sleep, you, at least will know what happened.

  1. Em says:

    Any bread that comes sealed in its own little individual plastic wrap certainly raises some suspicion! Are they trying to keep something out? Or are they trying to keep something in?!?!

  2. mrwriteon says:

    As Count Floyd on SCTV often opined: “This is real scaaaaaaaaaaary!!”

  3. geogypsy says:

    I think I’d be more worried if had eaten it. But then there’s always twinkies, which real scientists, unlike us, will be able to eat 100s of years into the future.

  4. geewits says:

    I used to play “secretary” and “waitress” for hours on end. I may have tried nursing for a bit, too. It’s funny how we act out adult jobs and then when we actually have them, we hate them.
    As for your bread, I’m sure it will be fine until all the enbalming fluid gas leaks out of the plastic wrap.

  5. Jazz says:

    Em – I think they’re trying to keep something in.

    Ian – it is!

    Gaelyn – Yeah, at least it’s not a twinkie!

    Geewits – That is funny. I never played secretary though. And here I am. Much less glamourous than scientist or doctor (at a much lower pay)…

  6. alison says:

    I went through the stewardess stage (before they were called flight attendants), the archeologist stage, the detective stage (thanks, Nancy Drew), and the wildlife biologist/wolf researcher stage (thanks, Farley Mowat). And now I’m an editor. Go figure.

    We used to do the fizzy baking soda experiments too, my sister and I. And the ones involving food colouring and flowers.

  7. Suldog says:

    Perhaps my reading skills are insufficient, but I didn’t see where you said you took the bread out of the wrapper. I’m assuming you didn’t then, right? Fascinating. I wonder what could be in there with it to keep it from becoming a fuzzy bluish-green mess? Maybe Geewits is right. In any case, I wouldn’t eat that sort of bread ever again.

  8. Jazz says:

    Alison – Ah, the job as a glorified waitress! I had a phase like that too…

    Suldog – Nope. The bread is still in the wrapper. I’m not sure I want to know what’s in it – such bread will never again pass my lips. Of course, if it turned out the preservatives could preserve me forever, I think I’d eat it by the ton.

  9. Pearl says:

    I sincerely hope this roll does not rise from the cupboard and roll itself to your bedroom late some night. 🙂


  10. Maddy says:

    I too wanted to be a scientist, specifically a chemist, when I helped myself to my older sister’s Chemistry set. However, my enthusiasm was dampened after I singed the cupboards and set the curtains on fire. Been downhill ever since.

  11. Jocelyn says:

    This is totally like the McDonald’s french fry experiment that Morgan Spurlock did. So maybe you’re a burgeoning film maker???

  12. Val Erde says:

    It’s probably made of bath sponge (the artificial type not the one that goes diving and then ends up being companionable to a loofah). It’ll sit in its bag forever and ever and never change.

  13. lime says:

    my hypothesis is that it will never mold. it will harden and dry up. ick, just ick.

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