California Correspondence

Posted: December 29, 2010 in Uncategorized

Dear Hospitality Industry:

I ask this because I really need to know. When did every motel with a pool become a “resort”? When did every motel with a pool and hot tub become a “resort and spa”? And when did every motel without a pool become an “inn”? Do you really think we are dumb enough to believe that? A motel is a motel is a motel and never shall a motel be a resort and spa. You dupe us not.

And we who rent rooms in motels because either we can’t afford a “resort and spa” or simply are too cheap to pay  $400 per night for what is, in essence the same room with better bedding and furniture (hopefully) – where we’ll spend the majority of our time sleeping so we’d rather spend our money on other stuff – know what we’re paying for and are quite content if the room is clean and the bed relatively comfortable.

Give it up already, sell your product for what it is.




Dear California Lady:

We know the legging is – quite unfortunately – back as the trend of the year. We know the legging is comfortable, wonderfully so. We know the legging is as close to nekkid you can be when you’re dressed (both comfort and lookwise).


It can be a highly unfortunate choice for those of us who weigh more than 110 lbs after having been dipped in cement.

Highly. Unfortunate.

For instance, dear California Lady, you and I should not wear leggings outside the house. I don’t. You, on the other hand do.

Unfortunate doesn’t even begin to cover it. I won’t even try to list the many levels of wrong involved in this look – starting with the front view camel toe.

Please, for your own sake, lose the leggings. Wear a skirt. A well cut pair of pants. Or the leggings with a knee length dress. Very cool and forgiving look by the way. ANYTHING but this. Last words: Trends are not always meant to be followed – especially if you’re over 25.




Dear California Dude:

For chrissake, what’s with the falling down pants!? Yes, I harp. I know, I’ve bitched about this time and again.

It began with a couple of inches of underpants showing.  Then the pants moved to halfway down your asses. Then under the ass. However, when it’s gotten to halfway down your thighs, we’ve reached “legging” proportions. You don’t even walk anymore, you shuffle. And HOW do you manage to get the pants to defy gravity this way? As a 50 year old with lots of body parts feeling the gravity in quite a disconcerting way, I’d love to know the secret.

Word of advice: Don’t try to steal a car.

I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt for the wool tuque perched on your head, after all it’s only 70 degrees – whatever that is in real temps (read: Celsius).

Sartorially (ditto),



Dear Other California Lady:

As previously mentioned, trends are not always meant to be followed. The skinny jean, for instance, is pretty much along the lines of the legging. If you weigh over 125 (wow, a whole extra 15 lbs!) dipped in cement… Do. Not. Go. There. Seriously, just don’t.

And for the record, I’m not dissing your weight. It’s not like I’m a skinny malinky. I’m not blowing away in a hurricane any time soon. It’s just the way you were dressed. Because that lady across the plaza? She was as heavy as you and looked great. Unfortunately she vanished before I could get a picture, but believe me on this. The skinny jean is NOT for either of us. For me anyway, because I am unwilling to starve myself into them. Not gonna happen. Evah.

Sartorially (take 3),


  1. geogypsy says:

    Oh, Please, cover it up! That’s just TOO scary. Maybe they don’t own mirrors.

  2. Big Brother says:

    «  Unfortunate doesn’t even begin to cover it. » In her case something sure should have covered it… If you want to have a chuckle about sartorial elegance and see how bad it can get, go see the web site called «  people of walmart »

  3. pinklea says:

    Oh, my poor retinas, scarred beyond recognition! You are wicked (and funny) to take such photos!

  4. Marie-Françoise says:

    You’re such a riot! I’m crying just by reading your posts!! Unfortunately, those people think it’s OK/COOL/SEXY to wear anything they want… with no considerations to other people eyes!!! Pity…
    I’m with you Girl! Enough horror already!!!

  5. geewits says:

    For some reason I always though everyone in California was skinny.
    When Lo and I used to go to Vegas, whenever I’d see a woman shaped like that, I’d run up and stand next to her so I’d look very thin. It was a running joke and I almost got caught a few times. My bad.

  6. e says:

    You are a seriously funny woman, Jazz! And, absolutely spot on.

  7. mrwriteon says:

    Oh, great. Now you’ve made me swear off sex completely. Double ick for the two pictures. Glad you didn’t take the camel-toe side for your picture, that would have utterly finished me. On the other hand, dear sister, this was an example of Ms Jazz at her finest. Rock on, my darling.

  8. Gianna says:

    As a native California female, let me apologize profusely on behalf of the idiots who wear this kind of clothing. I want to assure you, I do not. Not all of us are so deluded about what we look like, or so insensitive about causing others to hurl (or want to) for having seen us.

    Mostly, when I see someone like this, I hope they are from somewhere else. Sadly, though I’m sure some are, I know all are definitely not.

    As far as I know, the low-slung pants are held up by cinching the belt so tightly it could pass as a tourniquet. Hence the shuffle.

  9. lime says:

    do ya ever wonder if people own mirrors? eesh…

    what has been seen cannot be unseen.

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