Posted: July 22, 2011 in Uncategorized

Dear Bell Canada,

I got my last bill from you yesterday for the cottage land line. OK, so it wasn’t a bill actually. Surprisingly I have a $7.00 credit with you!

I am amazed, I am impressed. I have never in my 50 years heard of such a thing.  Thank you for the cheque.


There is no cheque. I have a credit for a phone line I’ve had closed down and you did not send a cheque?

Let me read the fine print – or in this case not so fine.  Hmmm.


Are you shitting me, Bell?

I suppose the idea behind making your (ex-)customers jump through this little hoop is that a good proportion of people won’t ever go through the hassle of being on hold for a half hour, then having to justify their very existence for a cheque under $10.00.   How often does it happen? Often enough for it to be worthwhile, no doubt. You really don’t like your exes do you, Bell?

Besides, I guess it pays for all those people you have calling us (even if we’re on the no-call list) with fake surveys actually designed to try and bully us into accepting more totally useless services we fail to use.

Ma Bell, you are an evil bitch; you are the epitome of asshat. Here, I’ll even enclose the Urban Dictionary’s definition for your edification:  “A general term for someone who carries out actions with such stupidity that they might as well wear their ass as a hat”.

But guess what?  I endured your service representative trying to force me to keep my service (and sell me extra services) when I unplugged. What the hell’s up with that? I’m pulling the plug, why on earth would the offer of extra services for more money make me stay? So I have no problem waiting however long it takes to get my money. Whatever it takes, you will.




And I’ll be more than happy to tell you to go do anatomically impossible things to yourself once you’ve tried to get me to start up my service again (at a no doubt higher cost). Although come to think of it, if you’re an asshat, maybe you can fuck yourself too!  If so, kudos, Bell, I doff my hat and proclaim you brilliant.



PS:  I must also doff my hat to your call centre employees, whose job it is to harass clients who have no need or use for the extra services they are obliged to offer. It’s a thankless job and I admire them for doing it.


Dear Menopause,

Where are those hot flashes when I need them? You know, when it’s -20 outside with a windchill of -6946?

I would welcome your hot flashes then.


When it’s 35 degrees in the shade with humidity to the point where you’re actually debating the pros of growing gills, a hot flash is, well, sort of besides the point isn’t it?

And yes, I know you think you’re being good to me since I really do like the heat. Love it in fact. However, this does not mean I’m not hot.

That extra hot flash? Just a leeeeeeeetle bit much. And when you throw in an anxiety attack just because you can? Let’s just say my cup runneth over and leave it at that.

This has been going on long enough, let’s get this over with and you can move in with someone else, OK?



  1. Debra Karr says:

    Don’t let up on that $7. Steam would come out of my ears when I would call the complaint line of AT&T and they had to tell me all about fancy new services I could add before they would even hear my complaint. Good riddance.

  2. Rachel says:

    yeah, Im with you, as much as I like being hot, I dont want a hot flash when I’m already hot.

    Gee whiz.

    you can use your extra 7 bucks to buy some ice, though! SILVER LININGS.

  3. lime says:

    that’s rather galling. you can believe if you owed THEM $7 they’d be hounding you for it.

    • Jazz says:

      Of course they would. During the last postal strike they (and all their peers) took out advertisement saying you still had to pay your bill even if you didn’t receive it. So, I’m supposed to pay a bill I haven’t even seen and you can’t freaking send me my 7$? WTF!

  4. geogypsy says:

    That Bell is making you work hard for your money.

    BTW, try Black Cohosh for the hot flashes.

    • Jazz says:

      Actually I’m trying sage for the hot flashes, it’s working pretty well, they have been greatly diminished. I didn’t find the Black Cohosh here.

  5. Suldog says:

    Tell them you’ll trade the hot flashes for the cheque.

  6. mrwriteon says:

    Telus out here is just as bone-headed and arrogant. Telephone services all subsribe to the same business philosophy which is FTPAAC (Fuck the Public at All Costs.)

  7. Guillaume says:

    Yep! Bell Canada is a bunch of crooks. Never liked them.

  8. alison says:

    I LOVE your correspondence! Bell sucks. I have Rogers for home phone. They haven’t annoyed me. Yet. Get the $7 back. It’s the principle of the thing.

    P.S. The rosé we had with lunch was drunk in your honour. I heart France.

  9. Jocelyn says:

    I’m so scared of your menopausal self that I want you to get her on the horn with the phone company and teach them the meaning of “regret.”

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