Dear Governments…

Posted: August 11, 2011 in Uncategorized

Dear Municipal Government:

Last Sunday – or was it the one before? – hard to tell in Montreal where the streets sport potholes, or rather craters, the size of a car; you could pretty much disappear forever in those things – a sinkhole opened up in the area around Ontario and Plessis streets. A watermain, built in the 1840s – and never touched since – collapsed.

Hello! we’re in 2011!!! Thankfully nobody was hurt.

So yeah, sinkhole. This isn’t the first time; the same type of thing happened in the middle of downtown a couple of years ago.

Not counting the water mains that regularly burst in the middle of winter.

I find it supremely ironic how the city gets upset at water being wasted (don’t get me wrong, Mr. Mayor, I’m all for conserving water: I shower with a friend and I drink wine instead of water regularly) when 40% of the city’s water is lost in leakage before it ever gets to my tap.  It’s gonna be interesting when all these sewers and water mains built in the 1800s and not made to withstand the pressure of 40 storey buildings and the constant vibration of traffic begin collapsing more regularly.

You do realize that it’s just a matter of time before some really bad shit happens?

Note to all municpal politicians – you can’t keep shoveling the crap aside until the next person is elected. Oh wait! You can! You do!

However, this morning, thanks to that huge ass sign on the mountain I realized there was hope!  You’re repaved the road crossing the mountain! Halle-fucking-luia!  No more feeling like you’re driving through a wilderness track. I know that was the idea, to give us the feeling we’re in the middle of  “nature”, what with the odd fox we see up there and the squashed racoons here and there, but we do realize we’re actually in the middle of the city, you know – but I digress.

So here I was, thrilled that the road had finally been repaved. Our prayers had been answered! Well sort of.  Because, as the sign stated, the road was actually repaved for a bicycle race to be held in early September (“Montreal is prettying up for the *insert name of race*”). I guess they were afraid too many people would wipe out. And then the lawsuits, and yadda yadda yadda…

So it wasn’t for the motorists at all.  Maybe we could all get together and find a way to attract a whole whack of bike races, and we’d be all set!

Thanks for the inspiration,

Jazz

***************************************

Dear Provincial Government:

Last Sunday (or was it the one before? – hard to tell with all the shit going down on Sundays), one of the big ass beams holding up the Ville Marie Tunnel collapsed. 9:00 am. Splat. Thankfully, again, no one was hurt. Good thing it didn’t happen on a Monday morning, but whatever.

A couple of years ago an overpass on the highway collapsed. People died.

And then another one collapsed – at least partially – but s’all good, no one was hurt.

Chunks of cement fall onto the road now and again, but what the hell, it’s just a chunk. Noadays, when I drive under one of those damn things, there’s most often a huge metallic net screwed under it.  Very reassuring. Thank you so much for taking such good care of us, though if the overpass collapses, the net pretty much becomes moot. But it’s the thought that counts, right?

The Turcot interchange is falling to pieces, being patched up left right and centre and though a ton of studies say it has to come down, nothing much seems to be happening. Yes, we know, it’ll take 5 (meaning 10 at least) years to complete, with huge traffic snarls as a bonus. You’ll be unpopular – but you already are, so what the hell, go with it.  Are you waiting for the damn thing to collapse? Not that that ever happens in Quebec.

I know no one is ever safe all the time, but really, what’s the point in tempting fate? You do realize that it’s just a matter of time before some really bad shit happens?

Yes, I know, Mr. Charest, I’m being repetitive.

Lovingly*

Jazz

* and if you don’t catch the sarcasm there, you’re more of an idiot than I give you credit for.

***************************************

Dear Federal Government:

The Champlain Bridge. It is the bridge, in Canada, which sees the most traffic. All day, every day. It’s the main link between Montreal and the south shore. Hundreds of trucks drive over it daily.  Just so’s you know, it’s falling apart. Numerous studies have come to the conclusion that it’s life is done and it must be replaced. A. Dozen. Fucking. Studies. It’s time to buckle down and do it before – hmm what’s the phrase – some really bad shit happens. Parts of the bridge have fallen into the river, there have been times where you could actually see the river through the deck. Or was that the Mercier bridge?  Same difference, that one has only had one lane open since the beginning of the summer because of corrosion problems that could easily send it tumbling into the St. Lawrence river.

No doubt with numerous cars on it. The river is polluted enough as it is, no need to add drowned bodies to the mix. Both of these bridges are rotten to the core.

I don’t want to hear one day that the bridge collapsed while my brother was driving to work, ya know?

Seriously, Mr. Harper, I know Quebec doesn’t vote for you, and has put the NDP in as the official opposition, but don’t you think you’re taking this revenge thing too far? Waiting for the bridges to collapse is really not all that efficient. I know you want to be loved, but damn, you can never have the whole world loving you. You need to chillax dude!*

Graciously,

Jazz

* No Stevie, I’m not that paranoid, this is for argument’s sake, and to amuse my 5 readers, ya know?  Don’t be so damned literal. You’re a moron, but not that much of a moron. And yes, Stevie, I know how lucky I am to live in a country where I can call the Prime Minister a moron on a public forum. You are an idiot. And I hate you, but you knew that didn’t you?

***************************************

Dear all levels of Government:

You’re clones aren’t you? C’mon! Admit it!

Snarkily,

Jazz

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Comments
  1. geewits says:

    Sounds like you have a good argument for telecommuting.

  2. Debra Karr says:

    Yeah, unless a tube of caulk can fix our bridges, the budget is going to have to be bumped up a little bit to fix our infrastructure problems. Can you imagine being a bridge inspector and, knowing what you know, still having to drive over those death traps? Luckily our local Police Department doesn’t waste our money and charge $1,190 for two small dinners. Oh, wait, they just did and weren’t charged with any wrongdoing.

  3. Mr. Jazz says:

    La switch est à “bitch”. can’t wait ’til some bad shit happens…maybe it will wake them up. Wait, can brainless zombies ever wake up?

  4. pinklea says:

    If you change a few geographical details and the names of a couple of bridges and local governments, that could have been written about the situation in Vancouver too! Except maybe our sinkholes don’t get quite as big as yours, due to less severe winters. So … how long does it take to pay off an Olympics?

    • Jazz says:

      30-odd years. But I’m not sure, we might still be paying them off. They sure as hell haven’t cancelled the tax they put on gas to pay for them. Surprising how those things still stick around.

  5. From Ottawa says:

    “…haven’t tax they put on gas to pay for them. Surprising how those things still stick around.”

    They call them a “computer glitch/bug” They’re still working on it… Oops! Forgot to uncheck it! Grrr..!!!

  6. e says:

    Wow, can you send one of these letters to your neighbour to the south? We’ve bridges, electrical grid and streets and roads that need seeing to…of course, while things here fall to rack and ruin, we’ve plenty of dollars to spend on warfare…

    As for sinkholes, they are a regular feature of my landscape. When one damaged the building I live in due to subsidence caused by overdevelopment on porous soil, our association charged each owner $7600 give or take, for the repairs…and this was after they had spent a 2.2 million insurance pay out…Governments and neighbours can be stupifyingly enraging, can’t they?

  7. VioletSky says:

    Maybe we could send you the scaffolding that is currently under the Skyway Bridge
    Can you wait until the end of 2012? Then again, maybe the world will have ended by then. Again.

  8. mrwriteon says:

    All the politico-assholes aren’t confined to your part of this magnificent dominion. We have lots of them here, at all levels, and I’ll gladly send them all to you. And I do mean ‘all’. I’m looking forward to not voiting in all our forthcoming elections.

  9. lime says:

    yes, they are cones because we have the same sort around here.

  10. alison says:

    Good luck with that. With getting any kind of rational response, I mean.

  11. Suldog says:

    Yup. Weird shit is happening in Boston, too. Just today, a manhole in downtown more-or-less blew up, with reports saying that a 30-foot flame shot out of it. We’ve had a huge water main break, dogs get electrocuted from walking across electrified gratings on the sidewalk, and even the new stuff – The Big Dig, recently completed – keeps dropping ceiling panels onto cars and other nice things.

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