Of Cupboards and Obsolescence

Posted: August 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

Just when you thought that reference books had become obsolete, you discover a pressing need for them. Because they can do something the internet can never do. At least not if you want to keep your computer intact.


Sunday I walked back into the apartment to the sound of Mr. Jazz calling out to me to get into the dining room.  Because he had heard a crashing noise. At first he thought it was me falling down the stairs (because I tend to do stuff like that). Upon investigation he realized that the cupboard housing his collection of beer glasses (and much more importantly to me, the wine glasses) was canted at a drunken angle* to the wall.

Because the two “whatevers” that held it in the ceiling had died. Was it a long drawn out death or did they go quickly and painlessly? We shall never know, but they were definitely no longer any use to themselves or us.  Only the screws in the wall were still holding the cabinet up – albeit barely.  First order of the day, remove the glasses, while holding up the cabinet, terrified it’ll all come crashing down. Plus it was eleventy million degrees out and muggy, and shit like that does not make you feel any cooler, just sayin’ peeps.

By some miracle (maybe Bacchus was keeping an eye on us since we’re such regular worshipers and all), not one of the glasses was broken – or even chipped.

Next, gather reference books and a 2×4** to prop the cupboard up until it can be fixed or replaced – I’m thinking replaced actually, by a cupboard that will be secured to the ceiling as well as the wall. With 5,864 screws and maybe crazy glue, and liquid nails and epoxy and double sided tape. And a few more screws just to be safe. Because you never know.

Witness my mad cabinet repair skillz:


I just hope I have no pressing need for a French-English in the very near future.

See, up there at the top left, that little mark in the ceiling? One of the screwy thingies (i am nothing if not a whiz at technical terms) was there. And to the right, that pole is actually not screwed into anything anymore. At. All. Shit like this is just not supposed to happen.


A trip to Ikea/Home Depot/the cabinet maker is unequivocally in order.

* Pun most definitely intended.
** I love having a basement where things like 2x4s live in corners; had I still been living upstairs I’d’ve been fucked in that regard.

  1. pinklea says:

    What – you’re not going to leave it like that? Come on, it looks great! Creative! Original! Trendy! Colin and Justin would love it – or maybe not. They’d want to wallpaper the 2 x 4.

    • Jazz says:

      I hate wallpaper. The only reason wallpaper is big again is that people have forgotten what a pain in the ass it is to remove. Once they remember, it’ll go away for another 20 years.

  2. VioletSky says:

    why is that one book turned to other way?
    what is it you don’t want us to see, huh?

    • Jazz says:

      You would notice that! I realized it once the pic was taken, no way I was going to lift the cupboard and turn it around. Its the Robert/Collins French-English dictionary.

  3. Jocelyn says:

    And right here’s why I’m Not a Good Person: I was pretty much hoping you fell down the stairs (if you were writing about it, clearly it wasn’t that bad of a fall!)…cuz there’s one hell of a story, right?

    Bookshelf woe and near-tragedy to important glasses is pretty good stuff, too.

  4. There’s some good news at least. When I finally came crashing down (in the shower) once and then once again (against the wall in the bedroom like a dying dinosaur) my husband was sound asleep and didn’t hear a thing. So sad to have to pick your own damn self up off the floor at your most wretched-looking without even a proper witness to document your suffering.

  5. geewits says:

    I love it! It looks like an art piece you would find in a modern art museum. And I don’t particularly love modern art. But if it all looked like your set-up, I’d be more into it.

  6. Suldog says:

    I truly mean this – you should find some way to leave it as is. It is unique and adorable.

  7. mrwriteon says:

    How did I miss this? Apologies galore. Usually I get notification when you’ve posted a new one, and this time I didn’t. Priceless and very, very practical.

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