Names have been changed to protect the innocent

Posted: March 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

The joys of Facebook. At first I had the “singles sites” ads in my sidebar. The funniest, no doubt was the one for “older gentlemen”. Yeah cuz I want to meet a bunch of old geezers in wife beaters and find true love…

Recently, random guys have been contacting me every few days because I’m so damn attractive. Who the hell are these people, and what makes them believe I (or anyone else) would want to be their friend (and possibly more) because they saw my profile picture on FB?  Seriously, WTF? Why on earth would you hit on someone on Facebook? Have you really that little of a life?

This week’s crop of admirers:

Hello, how are you doing? How was your day at work today? I hope you get this mail and it finds you well.i m “John Doe” from Alabama. I was glancing through profiles when your gorgeous picture got me attracted while your lovely words had me write you. I am passionate,easy going down to earth, honest, sincere, good nature, and receptive to new ideas.I am looking for a Soul Mate to enjoy the pleasures of life with.A long term relationship / marriage with an affectionate and very loving woman who desires the same as I.I have a good job and I work very hard so that I have the ability to enjoy the rewards of a good life. I am interested in meeting a person that I can create a close relationship with, so that we both can be happy and healthy..would love to chat with you and get to know more about you if you don’t mind…I will be looking forward in reading your mail…

Dear John Doe,

How was my day at work? Really? You can’t do any better than that to seduce me? Lets not even go into the bizarritude of you contacting me saying you want a long-term relationship with someone you randomly contacted on FB.

Let me just start by telling you I am a grammar whore. Sentences that don’t even start with capitals?  No space between a period and the first word of a new sentence? Multiple ellipses? If you are unable to even spell check and make sure your message is coherently written, you are out of the running.

Regards,

Jazz

PS: The “lovely words” is total bullshit since no information from my account is available to anyone other than my friends.

****************************************

Wow u got a nice smile can I have it

Dear whoever you are,

Totally cliché. And U?

Really?

U?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Jazz

****************************************

Hi there,How are you doing?You look so gorgeous and charming in your profile picture.I like you and I want us to be friends.I hope you don’t mind.
Waiting to hear from you soon.
Warm Regards

Dear person,

Are you John Doe’s twin? Please refer to the above comments regarding grammar and well thought out messages.

Keep waiting Douche.

Jazz

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Comments
  1. alison says:

    I think I love you. In a totally non-facebook-stranger way. Grammar is a deal-breaker for me too.

  2. Jocelyn says:

    I’m sorry to tell you these guys who are interested in true love with you are ALREADY stepping out on you, as they’ve been contacting me, too. Maybe they’ve heard of you and me and know it’d be one hell of a fun threesome?

  3. pinklea says:

    … yet another reason I’m not on Facebook. (Oh! Are my ellipses correct???)

  4. choochoo says:

    Holy wow 😄 I used to get something like that, but they stopped. Skype, on the other hand…

  5. geogypsy2u says:

    And so since when did Facebook become a dating site?

    • Jazz says:

      Well, it’s relatively recent in my case. Maybe I’m not as awesome as they seem to think.. or else they’re working their way down the alphabet.

  6. Suldog says:

    Oh, yes. I have had something similar, in reverse. I am old, but lovely young women (supposedly) keep asking to be my friend. I was flattered the first hundred times…

  7. I am beginning to believe that the poorly constructed letters (along with poorly constructed dating profile intros) are largely spam related. They sound too similar to spambot blog comments.

  8. Pecora Nera says:

    The adds that keep popping up on my facebook side bar are, Dentists in Slovenia & Vitamin Pills. When they start with the medical truss adverts I am afraid I will throw the zimmer frame out the window and close my facebook account.

  9. geewits says:

    That’s some weird stuff. I’m going with the spam, but was originally thinking that these sad feelers are from prisoners desperate to connect with a female. Not meaning that to connect with YOU would be an act of desperation. Oh my, I’ve written myself into a box, it seems. I like to take long walks on the beach.

    • Jazz says:

      Yup into a box. I’ll tape it shut if you want. Actually I’ve had two more friend requests since then, but unfortunately there was no message attached. More’s the pity.

  10. lime says:

    i have grammar under control but i admit to being the laziest typist, hence my lack of capitals. but those duded on facebook are completely pathetic.

  11. Suldog says:

    I am an old geezer, and I have the opposite problem. Lovely young ladies keep sending me messages, wishing to be my friend. I’m not so dense to not know when I’m being played, though. I figured it out after the first fifty-nine times I replied “I’d love to meet you!”, and was asked for my social security number and my mother’s maiden name.

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