Correspondence

Dear Bell Canada,

I got my last bill from you yesterday for the cottage land line. OK, so it wasn’t a bill actually. Surprisingly I have a $7.00 credit with you!

I am amazed, I am impressed. I have never in my 50 years heard of such a thing.  Thank you for the cheque.

Wait!

There is no cheque. I have a credit for a phone line I’ve had closed down and you did not send a cheque?

Let me read the fine print – or in this case not so fine.  Hmmm.

I HAVE TO CALL YOU IN ORDER FOR YOU TO SEND ME THAT CHEQUE?!?!

Are you shitting me, Bell?

I suppose the idea behind making your (ex-)customers jump through this little hoop is that a good proportion of people won’t ever go through the hassle of being on hold for a half hour, then having to justify their very existence for a cheque under $10.00.   How often does it happen? Often enough for it to be worthwhile, no doubt. You really don’t like your exes do you, Bell?

Besides, I guess it pays for all those people you have calling us (even if we’re on the no-call list) with fake surveys actually designed to try and bully us into accepting more totally useless services we fail to use.

Ma Bell, you are an evil bitch; you are the epitome of asshat. Here, I’ll even enclose the Urban Dictionary’s definition for your edification:  “A general term for someone who carries out actions with such stupidity that they might as well wear their ass as a hat”.

But guess what?  I endured your service representative trying to force me to keep my service (and sell me extra services) when I unplugged. What the hell’s up with that? I’m pulling the plug, why on earth would the offer of extra services for more money make me stay? So I have no problem waiting however long it takes to get my money. Whatever it takes, you will.

NOT.

Keep.

It.

And I’ll be more than happy to tell you to go do anatomically impossible things to yourself once you’ve tried to get me to start up my service again (at a no doubt higher cost). Although come to think of it, if you’re an asshat, maybe you can fuck yourself too!  If so, kudos, Bell, I doff my hat and proclaim you brilliant.

Snarkily,

Jazz

PS:  I must also doff my hat to your call centre employees, whose job it is to harass clients who have no need or use for the extra services they are obliged to offer. It’s a thankless job and I admire them for doing it.

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Dear Menopause,

Where are those hot flashes when I need them? You know, when it’s -20 outside with a windchill of -6946?

I would welcome your hot flashes then.

However.

When it’s 35 degrees in the shade with humidity to the point where you’re actually debating the pros of growing gills, a hot flash is, well, sort of besides the point isn’t it?

And yes, I know you think you’re being good to me since I really do like the heat. Love it in fact. However, this does not mean I’m not hot.

That extra hot flash? Just a leeeeeeeetle bit much. And when you throw in an anxiety attack just because you can? Let’s just say my cup runneth over and leave it at that.

This has been going on long enough, let’s get this over with and you can move in with someone else, OK?

Beseechingly,

Jazz